Not Justice League, but My Family
Tuesday, December 10, 2013 ( 11:40 pm )

Assalamu'alaikum.

It has been a while. And I wouldn't be here if it weren't important.

Say, you remember that time when you asked your dad for your first phone? When everyone else started to have theirs, it felt compulsory to have one because it would be "easier to communicate" with each other. Then do you remember when you asked your mum for that latest smartphone? Everyone started to use WhatsApp, Viber, BBM, and such, and communication became "much easier" and hence it felt compulsory to have one? And you just could not miss out on all those games to play and apps to use? And do you remember the time you asked (or at least hoped) for a car or a motorbike, because you felt that you needed it to ease your daily tasks? Oh you know what I mean, getting to class would be much easier than walking, grocery shopping would be much easier than to have to catch the bus, etc. Have you ever really thought of how much money it had cost for all of that to be made possible by your parents? Have you ever really thought about all the costs your parents had paid for you during your school years? Have you ever really thought about how much money had been spent when you first came into this world? All the milk bottles, the diapers, the clothing, and then you grow up so fast so more clothing, and then your first bed, and then your other 10,000 firsts.

Now take off your shoes and put on another's.
What do you think a non-verbal, mentally challenged or person with developmental disabilities would ask(or say to) their parents?
"Dad, I need this gadget so that I can tell you what I like."
"Dad, I need a wheelchair so I can move about in the house."
"Dad, I need a different wheelchair for playing outside."
"Mum, I don't like this food. I don't want this. I hate it."
"Mum, I want to go out now. Why won't you let me?"
"Mum, I don't understand you.'
"Mum, Dad, why won't you understand me?"

Many years ago I couldn't understand why this type of person couldn't understand me. But now I get it. This person has been asking me why I don't understand him... but he couldn't say it. But only show.

My eldest brother is an adult with Autism (ASD). He is non-verbal, and highly dependent in his daily activities. He can has very few basic activity of daily living skills, however there still is a need of supervision and an attendant to help him out with his care. He is home-bound. And unfortunately there isn't much for him to do. Well, this country hasn't much to offer him. And I hope I can change that. He loves playing with straws or anything small enough for him to "twirl" with his fingers. He enjoys music (the Beatles, to be specific. ehem)and loves to make "singing" sounds. He is rather cute, I would say. Like the sunshine of our family. Though caring for him isn't the simplest task.

He had recently undergone surgery on his right eye, as he had a total retina detachment. His left eye is developing a cataract, and again, an operation must be done in another few months time. When mum had said his vision might not be the same again, and when dad had said "Bapak rasa macam nak nangis", I had felt like I had just been hit by a bus.. again, and again, and again. My heart was broken. And only broken to know I could not be there with him, with my mother, who was caring for him at the hospital. Truth to be told, I had no idea what to do, or what to say. I refuse to talk about it to anyone thinking NO ONE would understand. So why waste my time chit chatting about it? When no one would probably know what to say to me? I strayed away from people, and at times I even refused to talk. I had felt so helpless, and the saddest I could be. I could not stop myself from becoming teary and the heart ached so bad. At a time where so much work had to be done, yet there I was trying to pick myself up, pushing myself to be strong, at least for my parents and family members. I had felt like I was punching myself to get through it. And you might wonder, "why are you taking it so hard on yourself?". Because my thoughts had gone to the extent of all the "what ifs". If my mum wasn't around, what would I do? Who would take care of him? Where would he live? What can I give? Where will I find the money to care for him? How do I become such a superwoman like my mother?

Now why am I sharing this with you, if I had thought no one would understand me? After careful consideration, I had decided to write this post anyway. I may have felt that no one had understood me, but with this post, I can tell someone that "I understand you". It has never been the easiest for me to really "share" my feelings. But alhamdulillah, after slowly opening up, I had good support and wishes from the people I know. Many have said, "focus pada pelajaran. Jangan terlalu difikirkan." Well, easier said than done. From that day, I had never felt so much determination to be as independent as possible. I want to be able to take care of myself. And hope that I can be as strong of a woman as my mother. But Alhamdulillah, my brother's eyesight is getting better. Mum says he seems much happier now. And if he's happy, if mum is happy, if dad is happy, and all of my other family members are happy, then I am happy insyaAllah.

This family of mine is no average family. Challenges come our way in the most unusual way. But Allah had bless my family with this special man. SubhanAllah, this man is with no sins. He is the man who was destined to be in our family. And this man is a gift. He is my brother. And I love him. And I am happy to be where I am today. I hope to continue to do good to him as much as I can. And hope I can be much of a stronger lady than before. Please keep him in your du'as. And keep me in there somewhere too.



This photo had really gotten to me. Taken by my sister after his surgery, it had made me teary, but with a little smile on my face. He may not understand what we say, but I'm pretty sure he can feel a mother's love. I love my family. They are indeed the strongest people I know who fight hardship in the most brilliant ways. No matter how far away they are, they will always be dear to my heart.



Til then, May Allah shower you with his blessings. Amin!




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Dreaming with reality
Sunday, November 10, 2013 ( 12:20 am )

That dream life:
Where I live happily ever after, have unlimited access to the people and things I love, where its sunny but not too hot and when it rains it leaves a double rainbow behind. And in that life I manage to blow all my troubles away. And in that life I get to express myself well, adding on courage and confidence every time. Where I can stand tall and protect those little creatures from harm. And not drop a single tear of fear and anxiety. Where I manage to make all who I care about feel happy, helping them manage their worries, pushing those worries aside as if they were dried leaves in the autumn.

But here comes the real life:
I dont know if I can live happily ever after, but I do know that I wont live forever but will live the after. Access to the people and things I love will not always be available, but Allah swt will always be available for me. When it gets too hot I faint but then it rains heavily and I get cold. But i get a drink when im thirsty and put on a jacket when im freezing. I cant blow all my troubles away nor push aside any worries because they're not light weighted, but I have two hands to bring together to make du'a. I fail multiple times to truly express myself verbally, and im afraid that if I dont do it, it will get bottled up inside. But then I try to write it out, play it out, laugh it off, or doodle it away while I get there. To some I am big, to some I am small. But i am too clumsy at times and cant handle the fragility. But there it is inside me. And if it breaks, what am I to do? To survive I will do anything. But anything cant always help me to survive. But I will try and try and try. Even if the sharp edges fron the broken pieces are painful. This baggage over my shoulders is much to heavy sometimes.  Though I dont always know what to say, I will sometimes know what to feel. And I will feel what you feel. And if its happiness that you feel, then it is happiness that i will feel. As there's always a way when there's a will.

And I put it in my will to write this, to compensate a part that's hard to express with basic terms and straight forward sentences.

Indeed that is me.

May Allah bless us all and give us strength and patience to get through the trials and tribulations we face. Amin.



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