The wonders and hatred of a coward
Saturday, July 31, 2010 ( 1:19 am )

Here I am, telling myself, "let's blog while the feeling's still fresh", trying to prevent that tear drop from falling. Although I've said goodnight to three people tonight, the night doesn't seem to be so good for me.

Cue wonder.

I wonder how I look like from other people's eyes.
I wonder how I sound like on the other side of the phone.
I wonder how others see me as.. a person.

Sometimes when I fall on my bum, I wish I had fallen with my face flat on the ground so that I won't see the look on the faces of cruel and heartless human beings making fun of me. But then again, I'd still have to get back up on my two feet and walk away. But if I fall on my bum, I could just laugh at myself and not bother about other laughs. That is in fact what I do most of the time. Yes, the whole "laugh-at-yourself" tactic works most of the time to save that sorry ass of yours from humiliation, for some occasions. But not all.

When was the last time you looked down on me? Did you look down on me because of what I am? Or did you look down on me to help me get up? At this point my mind is blank. Completely blank. Like someone had rubbed of the ideas on an A4 paper. It is as if the only obvious function available for brain right now is to receive nerve impulses from my heart triggered by the aching and ask my eyes to let out tears. And here I am, using every will not to cry.

How come sometimes we are kind to bad people? How come bad people take advantage of good people all the time? I've tried and made adaptations and adjustments, and I mean a whole lot. I'm better in a lot of ways, but there are still weak spots inside me. Once I feel used, the only word that keeps popping out of my mind is, HATE HATE HATE. E.g. I hate you. That defines the hatred I feel towards you. The uneasy feeling that makes me upset caused by your irresponsible actions. I could go on. I Hate Kate, 10 Things I Hate About You, Hate Book, Hate That I Love You, etc. They're all "hate". So is it wrong for me to use that word too?

How come people change? I know someone. Who's seemed to change a little; doing things he never even liked. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't need me anymore. Sometimes I feel like he's hiding me away. Is he ashamed of having me in his life? Or maybe I'm just being dramatic, because I'm scared. He seems to be surrounded by awesome people. Maybe even better and cooler than me. Or maybe I'm just jealous because I'm not surrounded by people like them and I'm not in an environment like that. Maybe.. I should change? What do you suggest? What do you expect me to do?! Ok. I can't stop myself from crying anymore. I know I'm exaggerating. It's only because so much has happened in the past, I don't want the same to happen again(Estrella's Stay playin on repeat inside mind). :(

I wouldn't be writing this post if I didn't have a chat with Mr.X. Of course everyone knows he likes to make fun out of everything, neglects the feelings of others and only makes himself happy. But once he said I'm immature and my life is like hell, then I start to shake and wonder what am I doing talking to this despicable human being.

Ok fine. I admit it. I am scared. I'M A COWARD. I'm scared of losing the ones I love. And I wonder if they're scared of losing me too. And this post ends here. With hope I'll be ok tomorrow morning.

Allah, please be with me. I love you.

Silence is golden
Wednesday, July 28, 2010 ( 7:01 pm )

Here I am lying on my bed feeling like the most helpless person in the world. My nose is like a machine gun, firing out mucus non stop(I know. It's disgusting :]). I've temporarily lost the ability to speak and sing and eat. I was shivering yesterday. But obviously now I'm not. If I still am, I wouldn't be writing this post now would I? Aha. I got you there.

Back to being helpless.
Hope you're all ears as I am about to fire away some complaints.

All I can do is nothing. Well, not really absolutely nothing. I just can't have much fun. Even if I planned on not having fun like finishing off tutorials and so on, I still couldn't do it because I'm like a dead mitochondria, no ATP, no cellular respiration, man. The only assignment I can work on(in this state) is my GIMP assignment and biosong assignment. Darn that biosong. I've always dreamt of being a song writer. Oh yes. Like Yuna, perhaps. But never have I dreamt of writing a song about Biology. I mean, that would be last on my list. I guess now it pushed itself and made its own way to the top. Hurray for it, boohoo for me. :(

So I suppose I should let the silence do the talking. And keep my voice all to myself. Like this short film :)

Just Quote Me
Monday, July 26, 2010 ( 4:43 pm )

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart."
-Hellen Keller

Lesson of the week
Friday, July 09, 2010 ( 7:45 pm )

Lesson of the week:

When nothing goes wrong, and everything falls into place, you say it's like a perfect picture puzzle.

When it all goes bad, you don't know where you are, you're at the peak of giving up, you hate everything around you, you get upset over the smallest things, you think the puzzles are all over the place.

But, think again. And then someone comes up to you, doing their best to understand and be patient, doing everything it takes to give you faith when yours is gone, you say it's a puzzled picture. Its not perfect, but its beautiful.

And when everyone turns their back against you, there's only one person left who turns around to look at you, that's what makes your eyes open big and wide, you see everything ever so clearly, and that's when you realize you've got the best right with you. So why throw it all away?

I admit. I am sometimes at fault, being too annoying, not being much of a student, a daughter, a sister, a friend, even a girlfriend. But when the worst comes, and I managed to overcome it, our relationships: stronger than ever.

I have the best with me. I'm not throwing it all away.
I have wonderful parents, the most loving brothers and sisters, the best friend and the greatest lover.
They are my perfectly unperfect puzzled picture.
The beauty that fills my life.

I love them dearly. And I dedicate my life to make their love towards me grow each day :)

To Kak Yaya, this is jiwang. I know. Si.
To Abang Hakim, don't say that I haven't wrote any ayat bunga-bunga for you.

Sekali-sekala. Apa salahnya.

til then, keep spreading the love around. While you still can, and, while others can still feel it.

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