Make a mistake
Monday, June 20, 2011 ( 3:05 pm )

This whole week, beginning from Sunday until Saturday, was one hell of a week. At first I thought I shouldn't blog about it, as I don't really know how to put in words. And I still don't, unfortunately. But I'll just let all you amigos know how I've felt and what I've learnt.

First things first, EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES. I do it all the time, there's no need of embarassment here. But just because everyone does it all the time, doesn't mean it's always good. "Making a Mistake" I shall say can be made appropriate for all occasions. It applies to the situation itself and it may give a positive or negative impact, so to speak.

1. Make a mistake.
2. It's never done on purpose.
3. Realise the mistake.
4. Learn from it.
5. Get yourself forgiven.
6. Don't do it again!
Line playing on repeat inside head: I'm glad I did that. :)

1. Make a mistake.
2. Done with intentions of fury but also for self-satisfactory at the time being.
3. Realise the mistake.
4. Hurt someone.
5. Regret it.
6. Don't do it again!
Line playing on repeat inside head: I wish I'd never done that. :(

People of the world, what I'm trying to say here is, mistakes could be good, it could also be bad. But what can we do about it? I've made a mistake and I wish I've never done. But what exactly have I learnt here? Those good mistakes, oh they will remain good for the rest of your lives. That horrible HORRIBLE mistake, no doubt it haunts you like a ghost in an old mansion. But as I never endlessly believe, even at the peak of times I am in grief, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. Sooner or later, that bad mistake you've made, will be the best mistake you've ever made. And it will somehow transform into the good type, insyaAllah. It may not apply to all, but it does apply to the latest mistake that I have made. You see amigos, at one point, I have said things I didn't mean. And there I go nagging about words aren't just words. But the nagging? TRUTH. But sometimes saying things we don't mean? Also, TRUTH. When you're in a different state of emotion, a negative one, your heart does all the talking for you. But in reality, you need your brain too. How is it possible to let your heart speak alone? When your heart beats involuntarily? The brain does all the thinking, and the heart does all the beating. And come together, you get rationality.

Two months ago, I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought what I had to say, was the best for everyone. But later on, it kept bugging me. This mistake I had made, which I already knew by then but pretended like nothing's happening, KEPT BUGGING ME. And that caused me a heck lot of confusion. But nevertheless, I knew I had to do something. I couldn't be scared all my life, I couldn't live with this regret all my life. And so I did something about it. I did what I had to do. And I am sorry for all the trouble that I have caused. But if I had just played along, I'm just in a world of make-believe. What I felt, what I made other people feel, it's not as true as I thought it would be. And if I had chose to continue in that make-believe world, I would be lying to God, I would be lying to others, I would be lying to myself.

And so I did do something to make me feel abit better, although I know I had already made a big mess. I can't just walk back into a life I had messed with, no? And I knew that I, too, would not like or know how to react if I was the one walked back into. But I did it anyways. If not I wouldn't be writing this drop dead long post now would I? But obviously this situation is just too inspirational to not write about. ;)

I believe that what I had done was not a simple game of tic tac toe. I had to know how the situation was, even if I did not fancy it(ofcourse I wouldn't, why would I?). I had to prepare myself for the worst, and I had to tell myself a thousand times, DO NOT HOPE. And so I didn't expect anything. It's just that, it sort of went the other way around. Anything expected me. And I absolutely believe that this is all God's doings. He had planned out everything. It felt as if everything was so smooth. It felt as if I could not run away any longer from this weird feeling trapped inside me now. I had made a mistake, and all I wish is that there was something I could do to save whatever good feeling is left. I know that we can never make things like how it was before. And if there wasn't anything I could do at all, I would just have to accept it. But if it seems like there is, but I'm just afraid to say it out loud. But I don't have to be that much afraid. Being afraid right now would be absolutely foolish. Because God knows how I feel. God knows how sincere I am. I don't need to prove anything to anyone. Just something, to someone. It does feel good to "feel good" again. Although I know that there is alot of confusion going around, I just hope things will get sorted out soon enough for the confusion to end and the certainty to come in with pride. I am certain of what I feel. It's just the other half of me isn't. And so I wait. And pray. And leave everything else to God.

But I shall tell you this. At the moment, I am afraid. Who am I kidding? I am afraid of losing what I had lost, again. I'm afraid I am not convincing enough. I like how it is right now, and I am trying to be absolutely careful with my every step. So that, I won't ruin things anymore. But I know that I can't tell a lot about this. And some of you may be still wondering about what I am talking about. Just listen to me, whoever you are. Because I need to talk. This is as far as I can go, so please bear with me. And if any of you know what I am talking about, I'm scared. I'm scared.. But what is life without taking risks? Therefore, I must not let myself down, and must always keep my chin up, no matter what the cause.

I hereby tell myself, and tell you lot out there, if it is real, it will follow me no matter where I go, no matter what I do, no matter how I live. According to Amanda Seyfried, "true love has no expirey date" (something like that). If its real, its worth fighting for. It took me two months to figure that out. I hope any of you don't have to take that long. Because so much could have happen within those two months. Nevertheless, regret is not a valid word in my dictionary therefore I should just continue living and pretend I am not hoping for anything. :D As an optimist, I would say those two months were a great opportunity for me to appreciate someone. It's great to see someone you've missed for so long. It's great to just talk nonsense and laugh your head off with someone you've missed for so long. And that, I have felt, and am so thankful of it, Alhamdulillah. Like one of my Just Quote Mes, I don't need to tell the whole world. If its that special, then it is.

It absolutely depends how you handle it. If its bad, so what? Do something about it if you don't like it! Be alive! Just make yourself happy. You make the call. And God will decide what is best for you.

Adios amigos. :)

p/s: I secretly hope that I don't have to let anyone walk out of my life anymore and don't have to remain as a secret. And if I'm already telling you this, then it's not really "secretly" now is it? LOL. Above that all, I miss you. But I only just met you two days ago. Weird

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