The wonders and hatred of a coward
Saturday, July 31, 2010 ( 1:19 am )

Here I am, telling myself, "let's blog while the feeling's still fresh", trying to prevent that tear drop from falling. Although I've said goodnight to three people tonight, the night doesn't seem to be so good for me.

Cue wonder.

I wonder how I look like from other people's eyes.
I wonder how I sound like on the other side of the phone.
I wonder how others see me as.. a person.

Sometimes when I fall on my bum, I wish I had fallen with my face flat on the ground so that I won't see the look on the faces of cruel and heartless human beings making fun of me. But then again, I'd still have to get back up on my two feet and walk away. But if I fall on my bum, I could just laugh at myself and not bother about other laughs. That is in fact what I do most of the time. Yes, the whole "laugh-at-yourself" tactic works most of the time to save that sorry ass of yours from humiliation, for some occasions. But not all.

When was the last time you looked down on me? Did you look down on me because of what I am? Or did you look down on me to help me get up? At this point my mind is blank. Completely blank. Like someone had rubbed of the ideas on an A4 paper. It is as if the only obvious function available for brain right now is to receive nerve impulses from my heart triggered by the aching and ask my eyes to let out tears. And here I am, using every will not to cry.

How come sometimes we are kind to bad people? How come bad people take advantage of good people all the time? I've tried and made adaptations and adjustments, and I mean a whole lot. I'm better in a lot of ways, but there are still weak spots inside me. Once I feel used, the only word that keeps popping out of my mind is, HATE HATE HATE. E.g. I hate you. That defines the hatred I feel towards you. The uneasy feeling that makes me upset caused by your irresponsible actions. I could go on. I Hate Kate, 10 Things I Hate About You, Hate Book, Hate That I Love You, Ihatethis.org etc. They're all "hate". So is it wrong for me to use that word too?

How come people change? I know someone. Who's seemed to change a little; doing things he never even liked. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't need me anymore. Sometimes I feel like he's hiding me away. Is he ashamed of having me in his life? Or maybe I'm just being dramatic, because I'm scared. He seems to be surrounded by awesome people. Maybe even better and cooler than me. Or maybe I'm just jealous because I'm not surrounded by people like them and I'm not in an environment like that. Maybe.. I should change? What do you suggest? What do you expect me to do?! Ok. I can't stop myself from crying anymore. I know I'm exaggerating. It's only because so much has happened in the past, I don't want the same to happen again(Estrella's Stay playin on repeat inside mind). :(

I wouldn't be writing this post if I didn't have a chat with Mr.X. Of course everyone knows he likes to make fun out of everything, neglects the feelings of others and only makes himself happy. But once he said I'm immature and my life is like hell, then I start to shake and wonder what am I doing talking to this despicable human being.

Ok fine. I admit it. I am scared. I'M A COWARD. I'm scared of losing the ones I love. And I wonder if they're scared of losing me too. And this post ends here. With hope I'll be ok tomorrow morning.

Allah, please be with me. I love you.


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