You can't always get what you want
Tuesday, April 13, 2010 ( 12:06 am )

I was 2 when I first got on a plane.
I was 3 when I learnt how to read(thanks, Ibu).
I was 5 when I went to Disneyland.
I was 7(or was I 8?) when I had hamsters as a pet.
I was 9 when I first learnt how to play twinkle twinkle little star on the keyboard.
I was 10 when I fell in love with Harry Potter.
I was 12 when I learnt how to cross stitch(thanks again, Ibu).
I was 13 when I had my first boyfriend.
I was 14 when I learnt how to make spaghetti.
I was 15 when I moved to Penang.
I was 16 when I did something great with all 16 wonderful friends of mine.
I was 16 when I made my first kek batik.
I was 17 when I learnt how to make ice kacang.
I was 17 when I felt love again.
I am 18.

I was 3 when I started to get to know my dad.
I was 6 when I quite theatre school.
I was 10 when my two hamsters died.
I was 12 when my math teacher slapped me in the face :0
I was 13 when I lived in a house without parents.
I was 13 when I started to let the piano feel my anger.
I was 14 when I met my first love.
I was 14 when I skipped school.
I was 14 when I abused myself.
I was 15 when I moved to Penang.
I was 16 when I fell for the wrong person.
I was 17 when I was in pieces, all over the place.
I was 17 when I had my first near-death experience.
I am 18.

What I'm sharing here with you, seems a bit too personal. But it would kill me, to know that there are girls like me, facing the worst, helpless.

It started off good. But eventually I became a troubled child, sister, grandaughter. The troubled things I've done, I could never be proud of. I was ruined. I suffered from drastic changes in life. I wanted all the love I could get. I know my other loved ones were having a difficult time too. Lucky them, they're grown ups and they have a more mature way to handle it, I suppose. I was still a kid. Confused at times. Question marks keep popping in and out of my head. Many of you may not understand my inappropriate actions at 14. I had trouble voicing out my feelings. Therefore, I decided to convert the emotional hurt into physical hurt. Something I could see. Easier for me. Atleast, that was what I thought. I was wrong. What I did was not the right way. I didn't want to leave KL. I didn't want to move to Penang. But when I did, I found a chance to start new; a chance to have great friends, a chance to watch my house grow, a chance to be independent, to mature and to live right. I changed. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I started wearing the tudung. I started to enjoy school life. My grades were up. I looked younger. I felt lighter. I was happier. Above that all, I still had a life in KL. I'd go back n forth. All of that: NOT EASY. I had difficulties juggling these things. But eventually, I got it right.

As you can see, I am not perfect. Im still young. So once a month, I have to face PMS. I apologize to all the men in my life, that may have been hurt during my encounter with it, which some of you men wouldn't know. At times I wish I could escape. But I'd prefer to face the music and do it right. I want to be optismistic. I want to understand others. I wish I was angellic enough to say "it's okay" to every single thing that has hurt me. But I'm no angel. I need to get hurt sometimes. I need to cry. I do realize sometimes I am a fair pain in the ass. Forgive me, I plead. Because I want to work things out when it goes wrong. I want to do the right thing. I want to make my loved ones happy. I want to be happy. Always. Why would I want to lose the greatest thing that has happened to me? I'll say this now. It's okay. I'm blessed with these extraordinary life events. Fall, and get up. Make the unfortunate, fortunate. Note that there's always a rainbow after heavy rain. Or there's a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow. Rainbow's good.

To you, reading this right now, don't sob too long about life.
Words from me, cry about it, sleep on it, get over it the next morning.
Words from Mic Jagger, you can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you find, you get what you need.

Til then, chin up and keep smiling :)

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